Dear Psychiatrists,

Posted: July 6, 2009 by Afyanet Africa in Humour
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

PsychiatristFirst is an apology for probably having misspelled your name. I however note that the originator of the name ‘psychiatrist’ must have been an entrepreneur who clearly saw the possibilities of improved ‘psychiatry’ business from people trying to spell the name. Otherwise why would (s)he come up with a word that has five consonants before you get to the first vowel! I digress.

I have decided to write this letter on the realisation that with the prevailing economic recession, there is a universal need for business enhancement. This need is particularly critical in your profession as yours is among a very small group of medical practices whose services can be considered ‘luxury’. Though some may disagree, the fact that your services are only consumed by the wealthy in society, is enough justification of this classification. Otherwise stress and madness (the two things I suspect you cure) must be a preserve of the rich. But considering that the poor are also well represented in the madness arena, we can only conclude that those who visit you do it because they have a few thousands to spare (i.e. their main disease may actually be wealth). Your profession is consequently likely to suffer as more and more people lose their wealth and therefore the spare change. It is for this reason that I wish to share a few tips on how to improve your business (I’ll call them proposals because ‘tips’ do not sound sufficiently sophisticated).

The first proposal is on stress. I propose that you change the definition of stress so as to encompass a bigger populace. I suggest that you borrow from the scientific definition of stress i.e. any stretching force that acts on an area in describing stress. You should then define a stressed person as any one who is trying to survive by stretching. This way, you will be able to count as your clients all those who: are surviving on stretched budgets (may not make good customers); have stretch marks (very good prospects); survive on stretches of imagination (politicians) and all those who stretch reality (good prospects). This will ensure that you get improved business from the groups identified. This is also likely to mean that you do not have to stretch in order to make ends meet and as thus, you will not be in need of your own services.

The second proposal is on madness. Let me start by noting my disappointment that you guys have not already exploited this more. With a steady supply of madness in Kenya, one would expect you people to be much better off than is the case. What I suggest is that you place adverts of your services in the following areas; Art galleries specifically near the areas where abstract art is displayed ( this would be the section where ‘paintings’ of colours splashed haphazardly or painted people rolling and twisting are to be found); joints where football matches are screened (specifically those where the English premier league is screened i.e. where you are likely to hear Omoto from Kariobangi talk of how ‘they’ will sell Ronaldo and why ‘we’ did not field Etoo in the start up); finally a few posters on all round abouts and a few on this blog.

My last proposal towards improving your business is on Phobias. Here I suggest that you start by declaring that any one who fears anything that does not either bite, steal, cut or kill has a problem, a problem that needs to be treated by you. I propose that you advice and advertise that all people with the following ‘serious phobias’ see you urgently; All those with a fear of the truth (a growing lot), all those who fear water (Josh, that excuse of dry taps does not hold), people who fear heights (surely, why would any one fear tall people!), all those who fear challenges and all who fear commitments. If you can convince the last two groups that they need help, your fortunes (at least in Kenya) are sure to improve.

If you put this few proposals to work, your business is clearly set for better times ahead. Seeing that you are among the few people who get paid for listening and smiling, I expect that the Psychiatry industry in our region will grow so fast that it may overtake corruption and in so doing, save us from the effects of the global credit crunch (whatever that means).

  1. Just wanted to say that I read your blog quite frequently and I’m always amazed at some of the stuff people post here. But keep up the good work, it’s always interesting.
    See ya,

  2. exetremia says:

    Hello everyone!
    I would like to burn a theme at this forum. There is such a thing, called HYIP, or High Yield Investment Program. It reminds of financial piramyde, but in rare cases one may happen to meet a company that really pays up to 2% daily not on invested money, but from real profits.

    For quite a long time, I earn money with the help of these programs.
    I’m with no money problems now, but there are heights that must be conquered . I make 2G daily, and my first investment was 500 dollars only.
    Right now, I managed to catch a guaranteed variant to make a sharp rise . Turn to my blog to get additional info.

  3. John says:

    @Chrenyan, that must be true, considering its probably from experience and much study that the comment is made

  4. Chrenyan says:

    That “fear of commitment” proposal alone should suffice to catapult your client into the rarified strata of the Bill Gates’s of this world!

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